31歳の1年は迷いの年だった。何もかもが手探りでいつも以上に実験的で、そのうちに自分の中での意志とか優先順位とか決意みたいなものが、気づいたらこぼれ落ちてしまっていたような気がする。自分に自信がなくて、人の目を気にして、身動きがとれなくなる、嫌な自分が出てくる頻度が高くなっているのにも、危機感を感じていた。

私には一匹オオカミ的なところがあって、ひとりでいることは全く苦痛にならないし、ふらりと自由気ままに生きたいと思っている。リアルタイムでは、誰にも自分の居場所や、やっていることを知られたくなかったりもする。だけれど、誰ともつながりたくないわけではなくて、自分の直感と感性で、つながりたいと思った人とは、深く、長く、でも束縛のない立ち位置で、仁義を尽くしたいと思っている。

ただ、不調の時には、その2つの自分のスタンスのバランスが取れなくなる。極端に引きこもって、なのにひとりを満喫するどころか逆にまわりを気にしまくって落ち込むループに陥るか(華やかな感じにあこがれるのに、結局そうなれないからね)、表に出て活動しまくって、だけれどなぜか心と思考が追い付いてない、疲弊した状態が続くかのループのどっちかに陥る。

31歳の前半は、いい加減本を完成しなくては、というプレッシャーで押しつぶされそうだった。そして本を発表しても、なぜか周りと比較し続ける前者ループの中をぐるぐるしていた。後半は、初めてトライして採択になった助成案件を必死でまわしていたら、後者ループに陥った。

行き詰った。でも思い返せば、20歳で大学に入ってからかれこれ12年、自分をコントロールするという観点からは、私は、嫌になるくらい、この2つのアップ・ダウンのループを延々と繰り返してきた。それでも、自分の原点が見つかってEDAYAを立ち上げた25歳からの7年は、だいぶマシになっていて、この両極端の振れ幅は小さくなっていたのだけれど。

だから、いい加減この両極端を行き来し続けるのにも、自分自身もつかれてしまって、もっと穏やかに生きたいと思うようになったのもあるかもしれない。今年の5月頃、猛烈に、このままではいけない、変わらなくては、と思うようになった。何をとっても極端な人生から、もっと緩やかな変化の中で生きる人生にしなくては、ダメだ、と。

例を挙げればきりがないけれど、レポートでも仕事でもなんでも締切ギリギリで一気に仕上げるスタイルとか、勉強も運動もコツコツ積み重ねられず一気にやって結局長続きしないスタイルとか、短期決戦ならば、なんとか成功の範疇に収められてきたから、これまで自分を変えずじまいできてしまったけれど、これでは、何にも大きなことは達成できないと、本気で思うようになった。短距離走の成功を積み重ねるというより、長距離走を、自分で自分をきちんとコントロールしながら、進めるようにならねばという感じかな。

EDAYAの事業だって、思いつくところは結構やってきてしまった感があって(もちろんそれぞれの事業を見ればまだできることがたくさんあるのは承知ですが)、行き詰まり感が否めなくて。でも、このままじゃ終われない。これまでの繰り返しではないEDAYAを創っていくには、何か突破口が必要だと思っていた。それで、いっぱい考えて、考えて、考えて。そこで行きついた先も、やっぱり私が変わらないと、ということだった。

変わるといっても、具体的にどうしてよいかわからず、まずは私が一番苦手な、何かをコツコツ続けることをやってみるところから、やってみることにした。それが、このブログと、毎朝のヨガ。まだ3ヶ月の実践だけれど、これをあと12年続けたら、今は見えていない世界が見えるようになっているかな。あとは、一度本格的に立ち止まって、もう一度、自分のやりたいこととか、EDAYAでやりたいこととかに、向きあってみること、そして軌道修正。EDAYAもそろそろ5周年だし、なんとなく節目だと思っていて、20歳からの12年とは違う、新たなチャプターの12年をはじめられる気がしているのもある。

まだまだだけれど、7月中旬から9月中旬までの2カ月間かけて考えつくして、ようやくおぼろげながら、色々見えてきた気はしている。まだきちんとした言葉に落としこんで、公開するほどには、まとめられていないけれど、なんとなく、こんなことを思っているように思う。(社会的弱者などという、あらゆる人と人の間にある壁を越えた)人類の、時間や空間を超えて紡がれてきた叡智の交わり(=Wisdom Junction)の先に、 「わたし」と「社会」をリ・デザインしていく、広義のアート(=作品)がEDAYAがあるということ。2010年に狭義のアート(モノづくりとか)からはじまって、徐々に、実験的でコレクティブな、アート/ 教育/ 社会デザインのプロジェクトを展開してきたけれど、この32歳の1年は、原点回帰で狭義のアートを充実させること(新作出して、展覧会やりたいとか、ついいにEDAYAでも劇やろうか、とか。演劇が好きすぎて、やっぱり、ここは避けては通りたくないな的な)と、社会デザインの視点(なんとなく、農村と都市の境界が減少してくる未来なら、都市デザインの視点の方が私はやりたい?)からアートとか文化の意味性を考えること、をやりたいなぁと。

自由気ままにいられる特権を、最大限に生かして、暴れよう。ロングスパンで企画して、本当にいいものを、作ろう。自分のプロフェッショナリティーを磨こう。いただいたチャンスを、期待以上の形にしよう(社会デザイン×アートの文脈にも沿わせて形にしていきたい、トヨタ案件助成のプロジェクト、今年も採択決定!嬉しいな)あとは、やってみたくて、やってこなかったこともやってみよう。直感と感性だけは失わずに。

ある人が、自分は社会のために何かできる人を尊敬するけれど、自分にとっては、勝算のあるところで、きっちり結果を出して、自分サイズの幸せをつかむことが人生って言っていた。それを思うと、私などは、勝算のないところで、駆けずり回っていて、失敗ばかりだけれど、自分の人生が幸せだ、とは言い切れる。色んな人がいる。でも私は、やっぱり、この時代に、この世界に生まれた意味を考え続けて、社会と関わり続ける中で、自分の幸せのあり方も見出したい。(そんなことを思っていて、ふと見かけたready for?のプロジェクトのパトロンに久しぶりになってみた。少し心に余裕が出てきたのかな。)

あとは、絶対忘れちゃいけないなと思うのが、こう紆余曲折、あっちに行ったりこっちにいったり、くっついてみたり、離れてみたり、している私を、それでも、めげずに、見守ってくれている人が本当にたくさんいるということ。マイナスモード全開だった去年の誕生日は、Facebookの誕生日も非公開にして、どうせ私なんて、、とひねくれていたのだけれど、今年は、やっぱりどうしても人恋しくなってしまった。どれだけのメッセージをもらえるかが、どれだけ愛されているか、気にかけてもらえているかに比例しているわけではないけれど、やっぱり、嬉しい。多くの人に守られて、支えられてきていることを改めて実感。

32歳1日目。新しい人生のチャプターが始まったという直感を、直感から事実にしていくためにも、残り364日、こつこつ着実に、前へと進もう。自分自身をコントロールできる強さを養い、たおやかな感性を磨こう。周りへの感謝の気持ちを忘れずに。

あぁ、久しぶりに、ちゃんと覚悟する、ことを覚悟した気がする。

 

 

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