結局、どう見られているかを意識し始めると、私という人間は、弱いもので、書いている文章すら、なんだか違った雰囲気を帯びてくる。目的のために書いている文章もしかりだ。本を売りたい、商品を売りたい、イベントに来てほしい、写真を見てほしい、文章を読んでほしい、そんな気持ちが少しでもあると、私の文章はどうしたものか、報告的になり、面白みがなくなる。自分でもわかってるんだ。

だから、Facebookとかで、自分をさらけ出して、日常の気づきや自分の考え方を書いていたり、人の意見を尋ねたりしている人の投稿を見ては、嫉妬まではいかないものの、あー、これは私ができないことだ、と少し落胆するのだ。

このブログを書く時にきめたことがある。心が流れるスピードで文章を書いていこうと。誰かのための文章ではなく、自分を表現する文章を綴りたい。だから、そのつもりで、できるだけ心に浮かんだことをスケッチするように、むしろ瞬時に目の前の風景をキャプチャーする写真をとるような気持ちで、文章をかいているのだ。

本当の私に近い私が、欠片でも見え隠れできているのだとしたら、私のこの試みは成功だ。でもこのブログを、結局公開するということは、誰かの目に触れ、評価される可能性をはらむということ。それでも、もしその時までに、私が人の目を意識せずに、自分を出すことができるようになっていたとしたら、このブログの目的が自己矛盾となることはないだろう。

 

 

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