コツコツと積み重ねていくこと。実はこれが私が最も苦手とすることだったりする。思えば、こうしたブログだって、何度もやってみようとして、続けようとしてみて、結局数カ月ももたずに放置するといったことの繰り返し。

私はどうしてこうなのだろう。自分のこんな部分が本当に嫌で仕方がない。でも嫌だと言っている割には、改善の努力もしてきていないことも自覚してはいて、さらに言うと、締め切り間際に集中して仕上げて提出できたことを、それでよかったのだと思ってしまう自分もいるのだから、本当にたちが悪い。

こういった書き物になると、私にはどうしてもこだわる癖がある。文章が好き、というものあるけれど、何度も何度も推敲して、結局1時間も2時間もたってしまう。そうするとそれが負担になり、結局続かない。

これではだめだ。ダイエットも、英語の勉強も、運動も、ブログも、、、短期間の集中型で乗り切れないものに関しては、これまでもことごとく継続できずに失敗してきている。入念に準備をして、計画を立てて、いざやってみるのに、自分が立てた計画が細かすぎるか、少し無茶な計画になっているか、あるいは完璧を求めすぎて実行の負担が大きくなりすぎて、ことごとく挫折。

昔から、がむしゃらにやれば、なんとかなる、と教育されてきたし、自分でもそれで乗り切ってきた成功体験があるからか、ほどほどに、少しずつ、ずっとやる、ということがいつの頃からかできなくなってしまった。そして、がむしゃらでなく、ゆるゆるやっている人たちを少し馬鹿にしている自分が心のどこかにいたことも認めよう。ジムに行けば、ランニングマシンでガンガン走り、筋トレをし、激しいプログラムに出て汗をたくさん書くのが良いと思っていた。汗を書くかもわからない、ストレッチやヨガをやっている人のことがよくわからなかった。せっかくジムに来ているのに、その時間がもったいないのでは、などとおこがましいことを考えていた。

こういった考え方が、今年に入って少しずつ変わってきた。30代になって、大人になってきたというものあるけれど、がむしゃらにやるだけでは、越えられない壁があることを実感するようになってきたからだ。目立たなくてもよい、ほどほどでもよい、誰にも認められなくてもよい、ただ、自分の中でもっともっと先を目指すには、自分のこの欠点に向き合っていかないと、本当に大きなことは達成できない。そう思うようになっていった。

3ヶ月や半年や1年では達成できない、もっと人生を通して達成していきたいことを、5年、10年のスパンで考えた時に、私の今のやり方は通用しない。付け焼刃で作りあげたものは、やっぱりそれなりだ。EDAYAのプロジェクトにしてもしかり。これまでの5年間は立ち上げ期で、スピードも必要だったから、短期集中型で、どんどん進んでいくというスタイルが合っていたかもしれない。でもここから、5年、10年、50年、100年と続いていく、体系化されたものを構築していくには、今のやり方ではだめだ。

私が変わり、EDAYAが変わり、その先に見えてくる世界に、少なくともここからの5年~10年はコミットしてみたい。

まずは、ほどほどに小さな積み重ねを行っていくことが、一番苦手な私が、推敲もあまりせず、とにかく続けることを目標に綴っていくこのブログを、まずはどのくらい続けられるだろう。周りにとってはどうかわからないけれど、私にとっては、きっとひとつの自信になっていくだろう。自分との闘いには、負けたくない。

 

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